28th blog - Here's My Confession...

I’ve got a confession to make.

For the past weeks, I’ve been feeling sad… frustrated… depressed… Though I’ve kept it to myself. Because I’m not the type of person who wants to look weak in front of others by whining all my problems or stating about the things I don’t like about my life… Wait… I’ve tried confiding it to my some of my very close friends but they didn’t help… I’m still sad… frustrated… depressed… I’ve even come to the point when I’ve admitted to myself that I don’t like the way my life is going.

I keep asking myself why? I’m living my dream. I get by with my grades. I’m learning so many things. I excel. As I have said, I am living my dream. I should be exhilarated but why am I not happy? Is this just the stress? Is it just the pressure talking? I’ve asked myself so many questions. I’ve thought of so many possible answers. But I still can’t figure it out…

I’ve tried blaming it to other people. And they don’t deserve that. Even though they’ve done things that I think are hurtful, I still don’t have the right to feel this way. It’s my fault that I expected so much from them. Just because I’m willing to do things for them, I still don’t have the right to expect things from them – to expect that they will do the same.

What I’ve done next? I’ve taken my happiness from other people. As much as possible, I don’t want to be alone – alone with these depressing thoughts. For days, I’ve spent studying at my friend’s dormitory and I just go home when I’m sleepy; when I don’t have the energy to think anymore. Or when it’s inevitable to be alone, I divert myself by watching movies or tv series or I just sleep. There are ways for me to avoid these thoughts. But it’s just tiring and I think that it’s making me more depressed. At the end of the day, or most of the time of day, I know that I am sad – that I am unhappy.

But luckily, I’ve come across this movie called Grace Unplugged. God really does work in incredible ways. He’s all I need. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. So, this movie is also about a girl who is living her dream but is unhappy. And in the end of the film, she has realized that all she needs is God’s love. And it hit me! Its impact is so hard that I’m now writing this while crying at this time of night (time check: 1:30 AM)! I know the answer now to why I’ve been depressed all these weeks. It’s because God is not my number one priority anymore. He’s not even my second. Which I know is shameful! So, right now, I’m making a change. Put God at the top of my list. He’s all I need. His love is all I need. I’m really sorry about the way I’ve lived my life these past weeks by focusing more on my studies and some other stuff that I’m too embarrassed to confess here. But now, my mind is clear. I want God. I need God. Even though it’s hard, I’ll try not to make medicine my number one priority. I need to bring the faith back because He’s all I need to be happy.

“I chased a million things: bright lights and empty dreams. Now, here I am right where I thought I wanted to be. But I’ll trade it all right now. Leave it all and lay it down to get back to where I belong. Lord, all I've ever need was your love. ” - Grace Unplugged

27th blog - Moving on...

When it comes to the matters of the heart, I'm no expert... But I have my fair share of heartaches - I suppose, when it comes to failures, disappointments or unmet expectations.

So, I'm writing about moving on because I WANT TO MOVE ON!

Have you ever liked someone (or something) but you know that liking that will not do you any good? For whatever reason there is, you can't stop yourself thinking or obsessing about that someone (or something) you like! You know very well that it's not good for you but you just CAN'T stop yourself. The heart wants what it wants, some would say... 

You know, it's been ages since I've decided on stopping about this confusing feeling. I'm annoyed at myself on how much  I can't seem to get it done. It's like this cycle that I cannot break. I'm so tired of having the same thoughts over and over and over and over again. I'm like a broken record that keeps on playing that annoying dull tone. WHEN WILL IT STOP??? I want to stop. I NEED TO STOP.

I don't like myself like this. I'm not like this. This is not me. I know better. Then why can't I let my logical practical brain win over what my heart's been wanting for ages? I'm not entirely sure of the reason of this confusing attraction. It's below my standards. Having this unreasonable attraction makes me feel like a fool. I think that my IQ has lowered by 20 points! 

Is this the fear talking? Yes, of course. I am scared. Scared at the consequences - which in my mind, are mostly not that good. That's why from the very point that I've admitted my attraction to myself, I immediately want to stop.

I know what's good for me and that's what I will do...

Sorry for the ramblings... I'm still not entirely sure on what to do about moving on... But I'm sure that I really want to move on... I just pray that if this confusing feeling I have is not God's will, then, I need Him to take it away...

"Sometimes, it's very hard to move on, but once you do, you'll realize that it's the best decision you ever made... - Anonymous"

26th blog - Disctractions

What do people do when they don’t want to deal with an issue? They ignore it. They pretend that it doesn’t exist. They squash it deep down their consciousness, burying it down. And if that doesn’t work out, they do things to keep themselves busy. This way, they will not have to or they will avoid thinking about that issue. They use distractions. In which case is not healthy.

I, for one, am guilty about this. What kind of psychology major am I? My excuse for not applying what I’ve learned in my four years of college? I’m only human. I’m bound to choose to make mistakes. Hmm, which is worse, I suppose. It’s not healthy to avoid an issue. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It’s just postponing the agony.

But, I can’t help it!

One of the things that tics my neurosis is uncertainty. I hate what uncertainty gives me: the negative thoughts, the fear of the possibility of a future I don’t like and the knowledge that I can’t and I don’t have the control over everything.

Let’s start with a little background, first. March 31, 2014 is the day that marks the last day of me being a first year med student. Studying medicine is super hard. I should rejoice, right? But I didn’t. Why? Because I’m not confident with my finals on physiology and biochemistry. I’ve regretted the way I reviewed for those very mind-breaking subjects. I’ve blamed myself for not working harder. What’s wrong with me? I wanted to be in med school. I’ve asked for this. But what’s the reason why I haven’t studied harder? Why have I wasted this great opportunity? These thoughts are still haunting me today. I’m blaming my past actions – which is not helping at all. I’m just hurting myself.

That’s why I’ve decided to not think about it until the results of our grades come out. I’ve used distractions. I’ve caught up with my favourite sitcoms and the new movies that have come out last year. But they’re still not working. I’m still thinking about it. Sometimes, I find myself drifting from what I’m watching and thinking about those items in my final exam which I know now I’ve answered incorrectly. I’ve also tried exercising. Most people say it’s good for the body as well as the mind. But I become tired of that. And I’ve even cleaned our house, one afternoon. I’m a lazy person! Something is clearly wrong with me once I start cleaning.

But nope! This neurosis is strong. It’s fighting its way back into my consciousness. So, what’s the best thing to do when distractions are not working? You face the issue. Yes, you deal with it. It’s hard. But it’s the right thing to do. So, you better learn how to do that. And I should, too.

That’s why I’m writing this. It’s my way of dealing with this uncertainty of whether I’ve passed all of my subjects or not. And hopefully, once I publish this I will not obsess about what I’ve done wrong and what I should have done better. All my friends are saying that it’s a given that I’ve passed. But that’s not helping. Their support only makes me feel more pressured. (Gosh! Now, I’m nervous!) 

All I want is peace of mind... and the certainty that I’ve passed all my subjects. May God have mercy on me...

P.S. The night I've published this, a very good news has came to me. I'm sleeping that time. I've been awaken by my classmate and very dear friend. She is calling me but I'm too sleepy so I let it slide. After a few minutes of trying to go back to sleep, I groggily read the messages in my phone. I read the first one. My friend is congratulating me. This message hit me more than a shot of caffeinated drink! I've immediately called her. And right then, she's told me that I've been promoted to 2nd year. I've passed all my subjects! If there's a feeling greater than happiness, that's what I've felt! All the worrying I've done seem so silly now.

"I spent years holding on to regrets and wishing that things would have turned out differently. And once I let that go, things got a lot better." Being Erica

25th blog - Why do You Want to be a Doctor?

So, I've just finished watching the whole nine seasons of Scrubs. It's such a great show for people who are in the medical field, or to those who like medical-themed shows or simply to those who like the good laughter a sit-com brings. :)

I like this show very much because it shows how my life will probably turn out. There's this quote that J.D., the protagonist, has said in one of the episodes when they referred to another medical-themed show, Grey's Anatomy: 

"Ah, yes, I do love that show. It's like they just watch our lives and then put in on television..."

But unlike Grey's, Scrubs doesn't mainly focus on diseases and procedures, it focuses more on the relationships and emotions a doctor goes through in a more frivolous manner. (Though, Grey's Anatomy focus on that too. xD) And I'm the type of person who always bring comedy to life. That's why I instantly became addicted to this show. It's like a fun guide. :)

As I've watched and watched the seasons, I keep thinking how will they make this show even funnier, especially after season 8 (which, I think is the funniest). Then there it is, the ninth season: Scrubs: Med School. This show centers in the life of a medical student. And I'm a med student! Ha! I simply love this show. Do I have to say the obvious reasons why? :D

Moving on, there's this question that strikes to me from one of the episodes: 

"Why do you want to be a doctor?"

A lot of reasons has been cited in that episode, such as:

-make kind of catches that save lives

-give people a chance to live

-help people who can't help themselves

-inspired by a great doctor or a sick relative

-my parents made me

-fondness of scabs

-to make my family proud

-medicine gives second chances

-why the hell not?

-I look super cute in white

Some of the reasons are generic and some are funny. Entertaining. And then, it got me thinking: "Why did I want to be a doctor?" 

Hmm, the main reason why I want to be a doctor is that I'm an achiever. I have this need to accomplish challenging things. It's wired in my DNA. And helping others and the financial advantage of it are just bonuses. But I know I can't say that to the ones who will interview me when I'm applying to different med schools. 

"It's a childhood dream..." I can't say that. When I'm little, I've dreamed of becoming an astronaut. As much as possible, I don't want to lie.

"I want to help humanity..." Nope. Not really, haha! This is true. I don't have the dream of discovering the cure for cancer or solving a medical mystery. But I do like the nice feeling you get from helping someone. Although it's not enough. All people like that nice feeling, whether they admit it or not.

"It's my parents' decision." This is a lie. They're not really supportive at first. It's just because of my stubbornness that they've agreed. I can be pretty stubborn when I want something. :)) 

The decision of becoming a doctor comes from me. So I've done some soul-searching and constructed this:

"I'm always striving to be the best version of myself. The intellectual challenge medicine brings and it's nobility through saving other people's lives as a profession, I believe, are the ways for me to achieve the best version of myself."

What do you think of that? I think it's great! It's short, not dramatic and it's the truth. Lol! I didn't lie. I just put what I've felt into some nice words. And it has worked. :)

"I guess, it's because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang onto your every word. That they care what you think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if it even occasionally get to make someone, anyone feel a little better." - J.D. , My Finale, Scrubs

24th blog - Helping

Life is so full of problems, right? We go through life with issues and emotional baggages that we keep as anchors, hunting us, making us feel suffering or hurt for the rest of our lives until we refuse to let them go. However, do not fret. Yes, life is full of problems but it’s also filled with what psychologists call as “fixers” or “helpers”. They are the people who are willing to solve other people’s problem. They do self-sacrificing things which is a double-edged sword. With their need to please others, they forget about themselves. They forget the importance of self-worth.

Me? I’m not like that. I’m a very selfish person. Though, some of my closest friends will laugh at this statement. (You have to know that most of my life, I’ve been the go-to-person of many of my friends. Some says that I’m a good listener and I don’t judge. They think of me as this good person. But I like to prove them wrong. I’m a manipulator. I do things to people to get what’s best for me in a way that will make them think they are the ones who benefited. Do you get it? But that’s far from what I want to say.)

Moving on, I have to admit now that I find it tiring to help others. Oh my, I can’t believe I just typed that! Haha! But I suppose it is the truth. Helping others can be tiring sometimes, specifically if they come to you with the same problem over and over again. How tiring can that get? But in the end we do still help anyway, especially if the one involved is someone we deeply care about. I suppose that shows love, too. What a self-sacrificing thing for me to do! :))

But when is helping not a help at all???

Are we doing the right thing by helping others? Yes, helping is a generous noble act. All will agree. But this generous noble act can backfire. Helping can also cause harm to others or worse to yourself. That’s why I don’t like helping. It’s bothersome and you have to hold responsibility of other people’s action especially when they follow the advice you’ve given. LOL, just kidding! That’s just because I’m selfish. HAHA!

Anyway, I’m going to cite an example. I have this close friend who has this on and off relationship with my other friend. This makes it harder for me to help because I have to think of the best situation that both parties will not (or will be less) get hurt. This on and off again relationship is a cycle that, for whatever reason, they cannot break. So this close friend of mine keeps coming to me with the same complaints. I have to listen and understand the same complaints over and over again. And of course, every time, I should be supportive. Please think of the things you will say to your friend to keep his or her relationship going. That’s what I’ve said to her because I still can see that she really loves this guy. I’ve thought that the best thing for her is to continue with this relationship. And I think that I’ve told her in every encouraging possible way.

But recently, I’m not sure if this is the right thing or not, I’ve confronted her because I’m against this unhealthy cyclic relationship.  Though, I both care for them very much, their relationship has to stop. I’ve told her that she can’t keep doing this to her ex/boyfriend. She has to break the cycle. She has to stop this never-ending dynamics of their relationship because the hurt and the confusion will never stop.

After confronting her, this has gotten me thinking if I have done the right thing. There’s a part of me that thinks, maybe, I’m imposing too much. It’s their relationship. It’s their life. They can do everything they want. And what if they’re meant to have that on and off again relationship? That this messy path is the only way to have their happy ending. And I’m the one noser who got in their way of that happy ending! And what do I know about relationships? Not that much. I don’t have a master’s degree in relationships. I haven’t been even in one! (Wait! Now that I think about it, I'm also part of the cycle! Maybe, I have the right to stop this cylcle.lol)

That is scary yet a good thing. To be accountable of other people’s problem. To help when they’re in need. To fix if something is needed to be fixed. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing. But I suppose not at all times. I think that sometimes the best help we can give is listening and the best solution we can provide is nothing. We let them be, no matter how we want them to do the right thing. (I suppose some needs to experience things just to learn.)

She’s not yet breaking the cycle. But I’m done helping. I’m done giving advice. I'm done pinpointing the right thing to do. (Though, I'm not sure if it is the right thing.) Now, the only thing I can give her is support to whatever decision she makes. I have to be ok with her decision even though I don’t like it. I think that is the best way for me to act as her friend.

    

 In our rush to fix, to help, to solve, most of us never pause to wonder if we're doing the right thing. Because after all, how could trying to help someone be wrong? Being Erica

23rd blog - Emotions, Suppression and Nervous Breakdown

Time to write another blog. Though, I have to make this fast. I still got some studying to do. I've decided to write about emotions this time - specifically, pent up feelings.

One of the things I've learned from studying the human psyche is it's not healthy to suppress whatever major emotion you are feeling - be it sorrow, anger, confusion, or love (have to insert that last word there for a positive spin. Though, now that I think about it. Mostly negative feelings are usually the ones being suppressed. I mean, why would one hide his happiness? Is there such a case where one is happy and not express it? Hmm...).

Emotions are very powerful. It trudges beyond our rational minds. We can't control it. We can't hide from it. We can't run from it. No matter how huge our efforts are in hiding it, it always finds a way out and sneaks up on us - making us do irrational things. The longer you hide it, the bigger the way you'll explode when you break down. Whatever we are feeling is something we just have to accept. It's better in the long run. I know it's easy to say but hard to do. But trust me, we have to find an outlet for expressing our emotions.

Let me tell you a personal experience. As you know (or don't know), I'm constantly living in a roller coaster ride - where most of the times, I feel like there are more downs than ups (though that's just how I feel, maybe, when  I think about it, it's not that bad. Maybe, I'm just focusing on the negative side which is so not me. I'm usually a positive person!). Anyway, since I've started studying medicine, my go to defense mechanism is suppression. It's where we consciously bury unwanted information out of our awareness. This usually happens to me after taking our exams. Whenever my classmates and I discuss test questions after an exam, I can't remember some of the questions and  even what I've answered! Wow, my defense mechanism works fast. Somehow, I can't accept that I'm not that great anymore. This hurts my ego, being a narcissist. Haha, just kidding! :))

Now, let me say that this defense mechanism has its limits. In my case, that limit is a missing charger. I've just gotten home from another disappointing day and I've noticed that my phone is dead. But I can't find where my charger is. I've searched every possible place in our house where I've might have put it. But I couldn't find it. I turn to my mother. She becomes defensive saying she doesn't know where my charger is. This adds to my frustration. Because I know that if there's someone inside the house who knows where my charger is, it's her. I try to stay calm. I take a deep breath. That's what I do when I feel frustrated. (I don't know why I keep doing that because when I do that, the frustration I'm feeling multiplies, lol). What I do next is something I find funny now. Gosh, I have a nervous breakdown! I finally cried - not because of the missing charger (why would I cry over something so trivial?) but because of something else - only for a few minutes, though! But finally, tears are running down from my eyes because of the overwhelming feeling I'm experienceing - because I know I can't control what's happening to me anymore. I've finally broken down. That's something I can laugh about now.

After that cry, somehow, I've felt good but a little ridiculous. I don't like crying over my problems. I easily cry over watching sad movies or when reading tragic novels. But I don't usually cry because something bad is happening to me. I feel weak when that happens. And I don't like being weak. However, now that I think about it. Not showing a sign of weakness is being weak. Sometimes, it takes more strength to accept that we got our limitations. We can't do everything perfectly. And we simply have to accept that. 

That's a few months ago. What I do now? Hmm, nothing has drastically changed from my routine. I still suppress my feelings. Hey, old habits die hard. But I try to find the outlet for whatever negative emotions I'm feeling. Like purposely picking a sad novel to read (just so I can shed a tear) or treating myself with chocolates. But mostly, I just like to pray (it takes shorter time than reading novels and cheaper than chocolates. xD).

Before I end this, I like to clarify that there should be balance of expressing and suppressing your emotions. I'm not sure what's the right way to do that but it's something we just have to learn by ourselves.

"The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it..." - Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

22nd blog - Boredom

It has come to my attention that I've been neglecting my blog. Thanks to a friend who's been greatly impressed by my writing prowess, haha! (Wait, I should stop before my narcissism takes over.) Anyway, so much has happened these past two - almost three months. 

There's so many things I like to write about: 

• my life as a medical student (This is a dream come true. Like I've said, so much has happened. So many ups and downs... But I've been suppressing all my frustrations. So I'm afraid once I start talking about it, then, all my pent up feelings will explode and the rantings on this entry will be never ending, haha, so, I'll save that for another time)
• how I've thought I know so much but it turns out I am very wrong (this realization is credited to my med buddies; they know things which I've never even heard of. WHY? It's like I've been living from another planet!)
• my cat, ecchi (I've been wondering what has happened to him.  I've got this irrational thought that he's not cute anymore because all his fur has been shed. Imagine that! A bald cat! I'm hoping he's still my cute Persian cat.)
• how sad book/movies (other people's experience) and onions make me cry
• mental health and psychopaths (I miss psych!!!)

But what I really like to talk about is how much I miss being bored. I'm not the type who gets easily bored. Because I find delight even in the smallest things and I like being bored (some people find this weird, I don't). One of my principles in life: Embrace boredom. I believe that you'll miss that feeling when you come to the point when you are overwhelmed with the many things you should be doing. So, you might as well enjoy it while it lasts. And I'm right. 

I miss the times when I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling, do nothing and think about nothing all day. And then, when night comes, I'll just go to sleep; and wake up the next day to simply stare at the ceiling again. HAHA! I think I just explained what it's like be catatonic (See, how much I miss psychology?). But you get my point, right? Do you know the feeling you get because you don't have anything to do. I long for that feeling right now...

However, I think I have to accept the fact that for the rest of my life, I'll never get bored again (unless, maybe, when I'm stuck in a traffic jam? haha). Being busy in medicine is constant. You are often sleep-deprived because you have to maximize your time with the responsibilities you have to do. Sleeping for more than 4 hours (3 hours?) in medicine is a major sin. And you know, a free time is a luxury. And that free time is reserved for sleeping (other med students can relate at this statement). So, when can I find the time to be bored? I'm not sure. Maybe, during sem break or Christmas break or during summer. Or maybe, I'll never get to experience that feeling again. But I'm hoping... I still believe that I'll be bored again! lol

"Doing anything when you're bored is very very boring. Anyway, doing nothing is the point of being bored. The pleasure of being bored is mooning about and doing nothing." - Aidan Chambers, This is All

21st blog - Chihayafuru

I have to admit that I didn't want to watch this anime in the first place. My sister just kept on bugging me to watch this show. She says that there are cute characters here - so I decided to give it a chance. :)) And I'm glad I did. Now, I'm hooked! I'm even more psyched than my sister. I can't believe that I'd fall in love with a show about people swishing their hands like ninjas while playing cards with Japanese poems written on it. 

I want to play karuta too!

Currently, the anime is at it's second season, but I still don't know how to play the game, lol! I have the idea of how to play it but I get confused by the mechanism. It's a really hard game to play. You get amazed by the skills when you see people playing karuta - the memorization it takes, plus the concentration. Smart people have the advantage. (I have an inkling that I will be great in this game because I'm pretty confident with my level of intelligence, lol! I don't mean to sound conceited. XD) Oh, you'll get amazed by the swishing of hands they do and the way the poems are being read. It's entertaining. :)  As fun as it sounds, I will never get the chance to play. The main reason: I don't understand Japanese! I'll just accept the fact that I'm not ever going to play this exciting (once you get to know it really well) intellectual game. That's a bummer.

Now, let's go the plot...

Hmm, basically it's about a girl who wants to be the best in karuta. It's a story about reaching one's dream. That's one of the reasons I like Chihayafuru. She's not the typical shoujo protagonist you read in a manga or watch in an anime. Despite of her good-looks, she's a bit one dimensional because she's a karuta freak. All she ever thinks about is karuta. And everything she does is for karuta. Before she's introduced to karuta, she's not particularly good at anything. She's also a little weird. But I like her. She's driven and passionate. Oh, her name's Chihaya.

Another character is Taichi. He's one of Chihaya's love interest. It is clearly stated that he likes Chihaya ever since they are little. Because of Chihaya's personality, she's a bit dense. He's the type that everyone roots for. A smart and athletic type of guy, but I don't want him to end up with Chihaya. And he's the guy who is always there beside her - waiting for her to recognize his feelings. Even if it is pitiable to see him sad and jealous whenever the other guy is making Chihaya happy, there's not a part of me that wishes he will end up with her. I hope that Chihaya won't ever look at him in a romantic way (sorry Taichi fans!). I wish that it's his consolation that he's gotten more time to spend with Chihaya. I really don't want them to end up together.

The main reason is: ARATA!!! I want Chihaya to end up with the person who has made her today. He's influenced Chihaya (and Taichi) despite his small appearances. You know, I even  considered stopping watching this show because Arata is always MIA. :)) But I'm glad I stuck around! Because those precious little ChihayaXArata moments, makes me go Aaaaaaaaaah! (And I barely do that! I'm not that kind of person.) You don't get to see him all the time, that's what makes him special. Oh, Arata's born to do karuta. It's in his blood. He's grandpa's a master (that's what you call the best karuta player). And he's like a prodigy. Both Chihaya and Taichi look up to his talent.

But Chihayafuru is not really a love story. Like I've said, it's a story about reaching one's dream - and friendship. These three really care for each other. 

Chihaya is not only the weird one here. More weird characters will appear as the story progresses. The greater they are at karuta, the weirder they are! :)) It's a fun show. I recommend it.

"Love is when it isn't fun to be with that person... yet you still want to be with her." Taichi Mashima      

20th blog - What should we seek in prayer?

Wow. Time really flies fast when you're enjoying life. But in my case, time has flown fast because I've been very busy. But I don't want to talk about that. It will look like that I'm complaining - which I'm not. I like how very busy I am. It seems like I have a purpose. :)

Anyway, I just came from church this morning. And the message of the pastor has somewhat made an impact. It's about prayer. Hmm, it doesn't really focus on the right way of praying. But it focuses on the question "Why are you praying?" 

 Is it because we want to be closer to God? Or we just want an answered prayer? The truth is most people pray because they need something. I for one is guilty for that. Especially, during these busy times, my prayer is full of requests. And this should not be the case. Hmm, wait, I'm not saying that we shouldn't pray all our requests and needs. Even though, God knows every little thing about us, He loves it when we talk about every little details of our life to Him. But prayer shouldn't be about "me" all the time. It should be about "me and God". Prayer is a conversation - not some place where you can call and have your requests delivered.

In answer to my first question, the pastor says that: the ultimate goal of praying is seeking God for the sole purpose of wanting to be connected to Him. :)

"Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a hear without words than words without a heart." - Mahatma Gandhi

Ninteenth Blog - We Wish You a Merry Christmas

It's Christmas time again! Though, Christmas isn't my most favorite holiday (I prefer the new year), I'm getting hyped up with the Christmas Spirit. I've alternately painted my nail with red and green (the color of this holiday). I wish that I can post a picture of my feet here so that I can show you because it's just so pretty. But I don't know how to take an artistic photo of my feet. :)) Anyway, I'm just dropping by to wish everyone a HAPPY HOLIDAY! After my last examination tomorrow, I'll be leaving for our family vacation! Woohoo!

In addition to celebrating Christmas, I've decided to learn the song We Wish You a Merry Xmas on my violin. It's a Christmas Carol, I'm sure, that we always hear whenever this time comes around. 

Oh, sorry for the bad lighting of the video. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Merry Christmas Everyone! This is a time to be good and feel good. :D

"From now on our troubles will be out of sight. Have yourself a merry Christmas now..." - Meet Me in St. Louis

Eighteenth Blog - Goodreads

The month ends today, so I have to make a new entry... Hmm, I don't know what to say to the world this month really... So, I'll just have to say what I've been busy about this month:

I've been addicted to goodreads.com!

It's a sight for bookworms like me! I love it so much! You can rate books you've read there. Talk to authors (the live ones, of course!). So far, I've talked to two: Samantha Sotto & Steven Scaffardi. Look them up. They're both great authors. :)  And you can do many more. :D

Oh, and my goal is to win a free giveaway! Yup, you read it right. FREE! Goodreads.com is giving free books to those lucky readers out there. I want to win a free nice-to-read book. My sister says that there's a greater chance of winning when you've reviewed a lot of books. That's why I've been reviewing books I've read for the past few weeks.  I hope I win soon. I envy my sister because she has won one! I'm so jealous. And you know what? She doesn't even like reading that much. *sigh* Why is life so unfair?

Anyway, here's the link to my goodreads account. Maybe, I don't know, you're interested in reading my reviews. :)) 

"I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of any thing than of a book! -- When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library." - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." - Dr. Seuss, I Can read With My Eyes Shut!

P.S. I forgot to tell you that I've won one book the next I posted this blog! Isn't that amazing?! Though, I've forgotten the title. I think it has an almond in it, LOL. I believe that I'll be receiving the book six to eight weeks prior to the deadline of the entry. So excited! :)

Seventeenth Blog - Question Again

Aunt Irma (reference from IT Crowd) has visited me this month again. And every time she visits, there's this question that keeps bothering me. It's gross - a lot of people thinks so, but my curiosity finds it interesting.

"Can you use menstrual blood for a blood-typing test?"

So I type my question to the all-knowing google and here are the answers I've gathered:

- No 

 http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Can_you_use_menstrual_blood_to_take_a_blood_type_test

-Yes it could. All you need is red blood cells to react with the reagents of the test. It doesn't really matter where you get the blood from. The only problem I can think of is the blood clots might make it difficult to read the agglutination on the card.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20110722012349AAjNtsH

-Menstrual blood is a shedding of the uterus -- not the same as "regular blood" however, yes it can be used for most blood typing.
http://www.themedicalquestions.com/women/1222614222010.html

Some says no but most answers are indeed "Yes, you can use menstrual blood for a blood-typing test but it will be harder to examine because of its other components."

There. My curiosity is satisfied once more. Thank you internet! Special thanks to google for providing the links above. :))

"Gradually my whole concept of time changed until I thought of a month as having twenty-five days of humanness and five others when I might just as well have been an animal in a steel trap." - Florence King

Sixteenth Blog - Whatever Works

As I'm writing this blog entry, I'm watching Woody Allen's Whatever Works. It is just like other Woody Allen films with the quirky (or should I say crazy) mannerisms, actions, and thoughts coming from each character in the story. I love how every film of Woody Allen captures the interaction of people with emotional baggage and personality disorders. With that, he's a genius and a madman. :))

I really don't know what to say but I have to admit that I'm fascinated by how people mind's works and how it affects their behavior. It's mind-boggling yet entertaining at the same time especially when other people do something defiant with our concept of being normal. I just hope that someday, I will be able to, I don't know, understand even the half of it. 

Anyway, I'm getting of topic. Let's go back to Woody Allen's Whatever Works. It's about a cynical old man (you know the kind who has his theories about everything and somewhat neurotic too) who marries a sweet, cheerful, naive twenty one year old girl. The complication starts, or should I say, it gets more complicated when the parents of the girl comes in to the picture. Hmm, actually, I don't have much to say, sorry about that... but it's a nice movie. (Some people may find it boring but I like it.) The characters in the film just do whatever works for them even if it's out of the norm or something. It has a funny ending too. Oh, for the ladies out there, here's one reason why you should see the film: 

Henry Cavill as Randy

"See, I'm the only one who sees the whole picture. That's what they mean by genius." - Woody Allen

Fifteenth Blog - Happier

"Are you happier than you were one year ago? Yes or no, be honest with yourelf." That's what the tweet reads. Just had to type it again because I can't read it in the image. :))

So, to answer the question honestly: Yes, I am happier than I was a year ago. The year 2011 is not really one of my best years. I just graduated from college and I was undergoing making life-changing decisions. Other people, like my mother and sister, want me to find a job and immediately start working. On the other hand, as I've said, for the past four years, to my parents, to my classmates, to my teachers, and to others, that I want to take medicine. They must have thought that I was joking or something. So what should I do? The question that ran and ran again in my mind is: "I know what I want to do. But what do I need to do?" Do I need to please my mother and sister? And I did - at first. I looked for jobs and started attending interviews. But I wasn't happy. During my very first interview, I think - no scratch that - I did self-sabotage. I passed the battery test and first interview. So, that was good, I thought. And during the final interview, there's me and only another applicant. Oh, we're applying for the position of HR Assistant. As we were waiting, I'm thinking what it would be like to work in that company I was applying for. I didn't like what I imagined. The place is dreadful! It's so quiet, restraint and boring. I'm not meant for that kind of life. In five years, I didn't see myself working in that company. So, when the employer asked me if she called and gave me the job, would I accept it. You know what my answer was? "I'll think about it." The self-sabotaging didn't end there. While waiting for the result, the other applicant who was so nice to me, even gave me a biscuit. But in return, I vomited at her! I was so self-conflicted that it affected my biological aspect. That is one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. The other applicant didn't get angry, or at least didn't show anger. After that, I went home - feeling tired (but relieved).

Anyway, after a few apprehending months or was that weeks, my mother finally agreed to my taking a medical degree. I didn't talk to her and I was hostile to her. I was sulking in my bed. I don't have a room of my own. But in the end, she agreed. And I continued reviewing for NMAT that was scheduled December last year. That's when I looked for a part-time job: Freelance Writer. See, I do compromises. :D

In conclusion (what's this? an essay? XD), I am happier now than last year. Because I have little certainty on the path I'm taking for the rest of my life. And I got what I want. :)) Certainty makes us feel secured so it helps in our happiness. However, I admit that it's sad sometimes, because I keep feeling doubt but then I have to look at the big picture: I am a doctor, that's my purpose! I won't give up! :)

"Sometimes, it gets frustrating to see that my goal is just a tiny seed right now; but having a vision of what I want it to become keeps me motivated to just go for it without giving up." The Happiness Project

Fourteenth Blog - Missed Blog

I'm sad... :( I missed an entry blog for the month of July. It's not like I have a deadline and it's not even like others are reading my blog. But what I have in here is the proof of my commitment. This blog-thing is supposed to show that I know how to commit on matters I decided to do. I've been very busy studying (the subjects I need for MY medical degree!) but that's no excuse. It's not. I really should learn how to find time for this kind of thing... 

"It's better late than never. However, never late is better." :))

Thirteenth Blog - John 3:16

Ages ago I read something amazing in my quiet time. It's that the verse John 3:16 is God's miniature Bible. You want to know why? Here's why... :)

 - God - the greatest lover

 - so loved - the greatest degree

 - that He gave - the greatest act

 - His only begotten Son - the greatest gift

 - that whoever believes - the greatest simplicity

 - in Him - the greatest person

 - should not perish - the greatest promise

 - but - the greatest difference

 - have - the greatest certainty

 - everlasting life - the greatest possesion

Now, isn't that amazing - how one verse can tell so much... :D

I love God! :)

Twelfth blog - Fusiform Gyrus

This months blog is a trivial matter. Well, it depends. For those in the medical field, it's an important matter. Anyway, I'm going to introduce you to one of my favorite parts of the human brain: the fusiform gyrus. 

Fusiform Gyrus

The fusiform gyrus is part of the temporal lobe. (The temporal lobe is a part of the cerebral cortex in either hemisphere of the brain lying inside the temples of the head.) It's like a computer loaded with a terabyte memory. (Have I used that term right? XD) And it's that part of the brain that allows us to recognize or distinguish one face among the literally thousand of faces that we know. Amazing, right? :)

Hmm, let's see. Try picturing the following people: Albert Einstein, Beethoven, Audrey Hepburn, Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, your favorite teacher, your parents, your friends, your first crush... Done? You've just used your fusiform gyrus. ;)

The human brain is a most unusual intsrument of elegant and as yet unknown capacity. Stuart Seaton

Eleventh Blog - Happiness

This month, I have started reading Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. I'm still at the first part of the book, but it has made me reflect on some aspects of my life which need improving. You know, it's a very good book that inspires you to be happy. (In my case, to be happier.) It's a book that can help you straighten your life. And unlike other inspirational books, The Happiness Project suggests that you can find happiness in your own home. You don't have to go somewhere far (like in Eat Pray Love (I also love that book!)) You can find happiness in the things you already have. I recommend it. ;)

Gretchen Rubin's TWELVE COMMANDMENTS (for a happy life)

1. Be Gretchen. (Be yourself.)

2. Let it go.

3. Act the way I want to feel.

4. Do it now.

5. Be polite and be fair.

6. Enjoy the process.

7. Spend out.

8. Identify the problem.

9. Lighten up.

10. Do what ought to be done.

11. No calculation.

12. There is only love.

Now, Gretchen Rubin's twelve commandments inspired me to make my own, well, rules in life. Hmm, some of them I've been following my whole life and some are established for me to have a better life.

1. Make God your "person". (I'm a believer!)

2. Be a deluded moron. Believe in the impossible. (I also advocate The Secret.)

3. Embrace boredom. (And you'll never be bored.)

4. Always bring comedy to life. (I'm not a fan of real drama. I think it's intoxicating.)

5. Don't complain and don't expect too much either. (So true!)

6. Let it be. (Like my favorite Beatle said: ♪ There will be answer, let it be!)

7. When you want things done right, do it yourself. (It's recommended for people who strives for perfection.)

8. Accept rejection. (It's God's redirection.)

9. Always see the best in people. (Don't judge fast.)

10. A strong commitment will achieve good results. (Never give up!)
11. Get angry only to those people who deserve your love. (If they're not deserving, don't waste your time.) 

Working on my happiness wouldn't just make me happier, it would boost the happiness of the people around me. The Happiness Project :) 

Tenth Blog - Dreams

For the past few days, my dreams had been - vivid. I can't tell you exactly all the details; but it involves being in a new place, feeling confused and the feeling of looking for something. Wow, I suppose I just told you what I think about my dreams. :)) Anyway, I'm telling this because, I'd like to discuss what I know about dreams - the dreams that involve the act of sleeping and not the dreams that pertains to aspirations or goals. But I guess, you know that by now. :)

So, what do I know about dreams?

First, I read in one of Paulo Coelho's book (I forgot which one, maybe it's The Alchemist? hihi, I'm not sure! XD) that dreams are gifts from God. I think what Coelho is trying to tell here that dreams should be taken in importance. It has to mean something right? What you dream might be a prophecy, well, maybe it's not important for the sake of the whole world but it can be important to your own little world. :)

Second, I know that dreams are essential in Psychology. You dream because of your brain and your brain functions the way your psyche (soul/whole being) works. So, it means that dreaming is a way of understanding one self. Sigmund Freud specialized in dream interpretation. He believed that dreams are repressed wishes and it reflects our deepest desires. 

Yes, dreams can be symbolic. And it is hard to interpret dreams through symbolism because not all meanings can apply to all people. Hmm, let's take for example a color. For some red can mean love or passion but for some it can mean aggression or blood (violence). 

However, sometimes, we don't need to look for symbolic objects in our dreams. Sometimes, all we need to identify is what we are feeling while we are dreaming. Emotions are vital. It helps a lot in understanding our disposition. Just take in for example what I've written above. Right now, I know that I'm taking a new step in life. It's all new to me that's why I'm feeling confused and I know that I'm searching for something. Though about that, I'm still wondering what... 

As an advice, try asking yourself whenever you wake from a vivid dream: "Why am I having this dream now?"

Third, I know that dreams are very confusing! Sometimes you just have to let the dreams be. Don't overthink things... :))

"Dreams are answers to questions we haven't figured out how to ask." - X Files ;)

Ninth Blog - The Beatles

This blog is dedicated to those beatle-fans out there! :D (pause) Wow, I've waited many weeks to do this blog and now I don't know where to begin. :)) So, maybe I'll just start by saying I LOVE THE BEATLES!!! Listening to their music makes me happy. During these tough times, listening, singing and playing Beatle-songs are few things that gives me genuine happiness. And I may have been teased by other people about this, but I don't care. As long as it makes me happy, I'll keep playing beatle-songs again and again in my playlist. ;)

The Beginning:

All John Lennon need was love.
(Nowhere Boy)

Like any other, The Beatles started because of a dream. I believe that it was John Lennon's dream of being like Elvis Presley that started it all. At that time, it seemed like it was a foolish dream. Many had thought that he was destined to failure. But John Lennon proved them wrong. He formed a band called The Quarrymen. First, Lennon was singing with his school friends. Later, Paul Mccartney auditioned. Mccartney was from another school but because of his great talents, Lennon accepted him. Their friendship strengthened and this helped in their musical career. As we all know, there are many Lennon-Mccartney songs that changed the course history of music. (Ugh, they were so close!!! Why do they have to fight and break-up?!)  Then, George Harrison joined. He was recommended by Mccartney. They go to the same school together, I think. After many years, they found Ringo Starr. And the fab-four was born! See, dreams do come true! ;) (Oh, try watching Nowhere Boy. If you want a more detailed knowledge about the development of Lennon & Mccartney's friendship and their musical partnership. It's highly recommended!)

"Is nowhere full of geniuses, sir? Because then I do probably belong there." John Lennon

The Beatles Movies:

A Hard Day's Night (1964)
This movie is my most favorite beatle-movie! :) According to wiki, it's a mockumentary (fictitious documentary). The plot is simple but I just love how this movie captures the pure essence of the beatlemania. Plus, this movie is high-larious! I love their witty remarks at each other. And I especially love the part in the end where it shows how people love The Beatles. It's just that I can relate with them. xD

Help! (1965)
Many adored this film, and it goes without saying that I am one of them! It's colored; has a well-thought plot, very cultured; high budget-production; new great beatle-songs; and  funnier scenes. I laughed so hard while watching this film. I love this film! I liked A Hard Day's Night better because I liked black-and-white movies more. :))

Magical Mystery Tour (1967)
I don't like to admit it but I'm kind of disappointed in this film. Well, not because I thought that this movie is plot-less like others think, on the contrary I like the plot of the movie, but I'm disappointed that they didn't include all the songs in their Magical Mystery Tour album like Strawberry Fields Forever, Penny Lane and When I'm Sixty-Four. But if your a hard-core beatle-fan, watch the movie! ;)

Yellow Submarine (1968)
Unfortunately, I haven't got the chance to watch the movie yet. I don't know the reason why. But I hear that this movie is critically acclaimed. :D

Let it be (1969)

Hmm, this movie just makes me sad. This is the last time where we can see the fab-four singing their great songs together. This movie is also documentary-ish (or it's a documentary, I'm not sure, sorry). The plot shows how they came up with the songs in their Let it be album. Though, not all songs shown in here are included in the album; some of the songs were in the album, Abbey Road like Ringo Starr's Octopus's Garden and Maxwell's Silver Hammer.


The Beatles Cartoon TV:
The greatness of The Beatles can also be catered to the young and young at heart people. The Beatles Cartoon TV ran for three seasons. I must say that it is entertaining. This is also recommended if you like hearing the beatle-songs.

The Beatles Music:
The Beatles made 12 (or 13 or 16, sorry not sure!) studio albums, consisting of 201 songs all in all. For more details ask wiki :)) Unlike Elvis Presley or I dare say Madonna, the fab-four didn't last  that long. All they need was the 8 or 10 years they had together to make themselves a legend! Aren't they great? They are!

For those hard-core beatle-fan out there, here's a treat. You can download a complete compilation of all the beatle-songs! Amazing, right? I was so happy when I got hold of a copy. And who am I to take all the happiness? I'm here to share it. So enjoy! ;) http://www.4shared.com/office/JN8FRy85/00_The_Beatles_-All_Songs_1962.html (If the file has been removed due to copyright infringement, you can always contact me here so that I can send it to you via e-mail.)

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." The Beatles ;)