28th blog - Here's My Confession...

I’ve got a confession to make.

For the past weeks, I’ve been feeling sad… frustrated… depressed… Though I’ve kept it to myself. Because I’m not the type of person who wants to look weak in front of others by whining all my problems or stating about the things I don’t like about my life… Wait… I’ve tried confiding it to my some of my very close friends but they didn’t help… I’m still sad… frustrated… depressed… I’ve even come to the point when I’ve admitted to myself that I don’t like the way my life is going.

I keep asking myself why? I’m living my dream. I get by with my grades. I’m learning so many things. I excel. As I have said, I am living my dream. I should be exhilarated but why am I not happy? Is this just the stress? Is it just the pressure talking? I’ve asked myself so many questions. I’ve thought of so many possible answers. But I still can’t figure it out…

I’ve tried blaming it to other people. And they don’t deserve that. Even though they’ve done things that I think are hurtful, I still don’t have the right to feel this way. It’s my fault that I expected so much from them. Just because I’m willing to do things for them, I still don’t have the right to expect things from them – to expect that they will do the same.

What I’ve done next? I’ve taken my happiness from other people. As much as possible, I don’t want to be alone – alone with these depressing thoughts. For days, I’ve spent studying at my friend’s dormitory and I just go home when I’m sleepy; when I don’t have the energy to think anymore. Or when it’s inevitable to be alone, I divert myself by watching movies or tv series or I just sleep. There are ways for me to avoid these thoughts. But it’s just tiring and I think that it’s making me more depressed. At the end of the day, or most of the time of day, I know that I am sad – that I am unhappy.

But luckily, I’ve come across this movie called Grace Unplugged. God really does work in incredible ways. He’s all I need. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. So, this movie is also about a girl who is living her dream but is unhappy. And in the end of the film, she has realized that all she needs is God’s love. And it hit me! Its impact is so hard that I’m now writing this while crying at this time of night (time check: 1:30 AM)! I know the answer now to why I’ve been depressed all these weeks. It’s because God is not my number one priority anymore. He’s not even my second. Which I know is shameful! So, right now, I’m making a change. Put God at the top of my list. He’s all I need. His love is all I need. I’m really sorry about the way I’ve lived my life these past weeks by focusing more on my studies and some other stuff that I’m too embarrassed to confess here. But now, my mind is clear. I want God. I need God. Even though it’s hard, I’ll try not to make medicine my number one priority. I need to bring the faith back because He’s all I need to be happy.

“I chased a million things: bright lights and empty dreams. Now, here I am right where I thought I wanted to be. But I’ll trade it all right now. Leave it all and lay it down to get back to where I belong. Lord, all I've ever need was your love. ” - Grace Unplugged

27th blog - Moving on...

When it comes to the matters of the heart, I'm no expert... But I have my fair share of heartaches - I suppose, when it comes to failures, disappointments or unmet expectations.

So, I'm writing about moving on because I WANT TO MOVE ON!

Have you ever liked someone (or something) but you know that liking that will not do you any good? For whatever reason there is, you can't stop yourself thinking or obsessing about that someone (or something) you like! You know very well that it's not good for you but you just CAN'T stop yourself. The heart wants what it wants, some would say... 

You know, it's been ages since I've decided on stopping about this confusing feeling. I'm annoyed at myself on how much  I can't seem to get it done. It's like this cycle that I cannot break. I'm so tired of having the same thoughts over and over and over and over again. I'm like a broken record that keeps on playing that annoying dull tone. WHEN WILL IT STOP??? I want to stop. I NEED TO STOP.

I don't like myself like this. I'm not like this. This is not me. I know better. Then why can't I let my logical practical brain win over what my heart's been wanting for ages? I'm not entirely sure of the reason of this confusing attraction. It's below my standards. Having this unreasonable attraction makes me feel like a fool. I think that my IQ has lowered by 20 points! 

Is this the fear talking? Yes, of course. I am scared. Scared at the consequences - which in my mind, are mostly not that good. That's why from the very point that I've admitted my attraction to myself, I immediately want to stop.

I know what's good for me and that's what I will do...

Sorry for the ramblings... I'm still not entirely sure on what to do about moving on... But I'm sure that I really want to move on... I just pray that if this confusing feeling I have is not God's will, then, I need Him to take it away...

"Sometimes, it's very hard to move on, but once you do, you'll realize that it's the best decision you ever made... - Anonymous"

Ninteenth Blog - We Wish You a Merry Christmas

It's Christmas time again! Though, Christmas isn't my most favorite holiday (I prefer the new year), I'm getting hyped up with the Christmas Spirit. I've alternately painted my nail with red and green (the color of this holiday). I wish that I can post a picture of my feet here so that I can show you because it's just so pretty. But I don't know how to take an artistic photo of my feet. :)) Anyway, I'm just dropping by to wish everyone a HAPPY HOLIDAY! After my last examination tomorrow, I'll be leaving for our family vacation! Woohoo!

In addition to celebrating Christmas, I've decided to learn the song We Wish You a Merry Xmas on my violin. It's a Christmas Carol, I'm sure, that we always hear whenever this time comes around. 

Oh, sorry for the bad lighting of the video. Anyways, I hope you enjoy! Merry Christmas Everyone! This is a time to be good and feel good. :D

"From now on our troubles will be out of sight. Have yourself a merry Christmas now..." - Meet Me in St. Louis

Eighteenth Blog - Goodreads

The month ends today, so I have to make a new entry... Hmm, I don't know what to say to the world this month really... So, I'll just have to say what I've been busy about this month:

I've been addicted to goodreads.com!

It's a sight for bookworms like me! I love it so much! You can rate books you've read there. Talk to authors (the live ones, of course!). So far, I've talked to two: Samantha Sotto & Steven Scaffardi. Look them up. They're both great authors. :)  And you can do many more. :D

Oh, and my goal is to win a free giveaway! Yup, you read it right. FREE! Goodreads.com is giving free books to those lucky readers out there. I want to win a free nice-to-read book. My sister says that there's a greater chance of winning when you've reviewed a lot of books. That's why I've been reviewing books I've read for the past few weeks.  I hope I win soon. I envy my sister because she has won one! I'm so jealous. And you know what? She doesn't even like reading that much. *sigh* Why is life so unfair?

Anyway, here's the link to my goodreads account. Maybe, I don't know, you're interested in reading my reviews. :)) 

"I declare after all there is no enjoyment like reading! How much sooner one tires of any thing than of a book! -- When I have a house of my own, I shall be miserable if I have not an excellent library." - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

"The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go." - Dr. Seuss, I Can read With My Eyes Shut!

P.S. I forgot to tell you that I've won one book the next I posted this blog! Isn't that amazing?! Though, I've forgotten the title. I think it has an almond in it, LOL. I believe that I'll be receiving the book six to eight weeks prior to the deadline of the entry. So excited! :)

Sixteenth Blog - Whatever Works

As I'm writing this blog entry, I'm watching Woody Allen's Whatever Works. It is just like other Woody Allen films with the quirky (or should I say crazy) mannerisms, actions, and thoughts coming from each character in the story. I love how every film of Woody Allen captures the interaction of people with emotional baggage and personality disorders. With that, he's a genius and a madman. :))

I really don't know what to say but I have to admit that I'm fascinated by how people mind's works and how it affects their behavior. It's mind-boggling yet entertaining at the same time especially when other people do something defiant with our concept of being normal. I just hope that someday, I will be able to, I don't know, understand even the half of it. 

Anyway, I'm getting of topic. Let's go back to Woody Allen's Whatever Works. It's about a cynical old man (you know the kind who has his theories about everything and somewhat neurotic too) who marries a sweet, cheerful, naive twenty one year old girl. The complication starts, or should I say, it gets more complicated when the parents of the girl comes in to the picture. Hmm, actually, I don't have much to say, sorry about that... but it's a nice movie. (Some people may find it boring but I like it.) The characters in the film just do whatever works for them even if it's out of the norm or something. It has a funny ending too. Oh, for the ladies out there, here's one reason why you should see the film: 

Henry Cavill as Randy

"See, I'm the only one who sees the whole picture. That's what they mean by genius." - Woody Allen

Fifteenth Blog - Happier

"Are you happier than you were one year ago? Yes or no, be honest with yourelf." That's what the tweet reads. Just had to type it again because I can't read it in the image. :))

So, to answer the question honestly: Yes, I am happier than I was a year ago. The year 2011 is not really one of my best years. I just graduated from college and I was undergoing making life-changing decisions. Other people, like my mother and sister, want me to find a job and immediately start working. On the other hand, as I've said, for the past four years, to my parents, to my classmates, to my teachers, and to others, that I want to take medicine. They must have thought that I was joking or something. So what should I do? The question that ran and ran again in my mind is: "I know what I want to do. But what do I need to do?" Do I need to please my mother and sister? And I did - at first. I looked for jobs and started attending interviews. But I wasn't happy. During my very first interview, I think - no scratch that - I did self-sabotage. I passed the battery test and first interview. So, that was good, I thought. And during the final interview, there's me and only another applicant. Oh, we're applying for the position of HR Assistant. As we were waiting, I'm thinking what it would be like to work in that company I was applying for. I didn't like what I imagined. The place is dreadful! It's so quiet, restraint and boring. I'm not meant for that kind of life. In five years, I didn't see myself working in that company. So, when the employer asked me if she called and gave me the job, would I accept it. You know what my answer was? "I'll think about it." The self-sabotaging didn't end there. While waiting for the result, the other applicant who was so nice to me, even gave me a biscuit. But in return, I vomited at her! I was so self-conflicted that it affected my biological aspect. That is one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. The other applicant didn't get angry, or at least didn't show anger. After that, I went home - feeling tired (but relieved).

Anyway, after a few apprehending months or was that weeks, my mother finally agreed to my taking a medical degree. I didn't talk to her and I was hostile to her. I was sulking in my bed. I don't have a room of my own. But in the end, she agreed. And I continued reviewing for NMAT that was scheduled December last year. That's when I looked for a part-time job: Freelance Writer. See, I do compromises. :D

In conclusion (what's this? an essay? XD), I am happier now than last year. Because I have little certainty on the path I'm taking for the rest of my life. And I got what I want. :)) Certainty makes us feel secured so it helps in our happiness. However, I admit that it's sad sometimes, because I keep feeling doubt but then I have to look at the big picture: I am a doctor, that's my purpose! I won't give up! :)

"Sometimes, it gets frustrating to see that my goal is just a tiny seed right now; but having a vision of what I want it to become keeps me motivated to just go for it without giving up." The Happiness Project

Fourteenth Blog - Missed Blog

I'm sad... :( I missed an entry blog for the month of July. It's not like I have a deadline and it's not even like others are reading my blog. But what I have in here is the proof of my commitment. This blog-thing is supposed to show that I know how to commit on matters I decided to do. I've been very busy studying (the subjects I need for MY medical degree!) but that's no excuse. It's not. I really should learn how to find time for this kind of thing... 

"It's better late than never. However, never late is better." :))

Eight Blog - Question again

For this blog, I originally planned to talk about The Beatles, but then something happened... not to me but to my two other friends... I always find myself in the middle when it comes to (hmm, what's the right word for this?) misunderstandings among other people. I'm like the peace maker or something. And it's a hard thing to do. You don't know what to do. And your afraid that something you say will be wrong; that it might hurt the feelings of the one side, or other side or worse both sides. But I guess, it's much better than being in the shoes of those people who misunderstood, hehe, so I should stop complaining, right? :)) Anyway, I won't bore you with the details of their misunderstanding. And I'm not the right person to tell anyways. I just hope that they straighten out their misunderstanding. And I hope that you'll hope with me? Wow, what kind of sentence was that? I'm not sure if that is grammatically correct. LOL

Anyhow, here's the question: "Friendship like everything else are not immune to change. The question is... How do you keep a question together when you're lives are pulling you apart?" 

I'm still not sure what's the right answer here, but then again, I think there's no right answer for this kind of question right? The answer would depend on the situation, right? :)

"When life pulls you apart, you have to work to stay close together. By putting yourself in each other's shoes, by reminding each other of who you were and who you are becoming. By remembering that despite all the changes that come, there are some other things that will always remain the same." - Being Erica

P.S. I promise I'll talk about The Beatles next time. ;)