28th blog - Here's My Confession...

I’ve got a confession to make.

For the past weeks, I’ve been feeling sad… frustrated… depressed… Though I’ve kept it to myself. Because I’m not the type of person who wants to look weak in front of others by whining all my problems or stating about the things I don’t like about my life… Wait… I’ve tried confiding it to my some of my very close friends but they didn’t help… I’m still sad… frustrated… depressed… I’ve even come to the point when I’ve admitted to myself that I don’t like the way my life is going.

I keep asking myself why? I’m living my dream. I get by with my grades. I’m learning so many things. I excel. As I have said, I am living my dream. I should be exhilarated but why am I not happy? Is this just the stress? Is it just the pressure talking? I’ve asked myself so many questions. I’ve thought of so many possible answers. But I still can’t figure it out…

I’ve tried blaming it to other people. And they don’t deserve that. Even though they’ve done things that I think are hurtful, I still don’t have the right to feel this way. It’s my fault that I expected so much from them. Just because I’m willing to do things for them, I still don’t have the right to expect things from them – to expect that they will do the same.

What I’ve done next? I’ve taken my happiness from other people. As much as possible, I don’t want to be alone – alone with these depressing thoughts. For days, I’ve spent studying at my friend’s dormitory and I just go home when I’m sleepy; when I don’t have the energy to think anymore. Or when it’s inevitable to be alone, I divert myself by watching movies or tv series or I just sleep. There are ways for me to avoid these thoughts. But it’s just tiring and I think that it’s making me more depressed. At the end of the day, or most of the time of day, I know that I am sad – that I am unhappy.

But luckily, I’ve come across this movie called Grace Unplugged. God really does work in incredible ways. He’s all I need. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. So, this movie is also about a girl who is living her dream but is unhappy. And in the end of the film, she has realized that all she needs is God’s love. And it hit me! Its impact is so hard that I’m now writing this while crying at this time of night (time check: 1:30 AM)! I know the answer now to why I’ve been depressed all these weeks. It’s because God is not my number one priority anymore. He’s not even my second. Which I know is shameful! So, right now, I’m making a change. Put God at the top of my list. He’s all I need. His love is all I need. I’m really sorry about the way I’ve lived my life these past weeks by focusing more on my studies and some other stuff that I’m too embarrassed to confess here. But now, my mind is clear. I want God. I need God. Even though it’s hard, I’ll try not to make medicine my number one priority. I need to bring the faith back because He’s all I need to be happy.

“I chased a million things: bright lights and empty dreams. Now, here I am right where I thought I wanted to be. But I’ll trade it all right now. Leave it all and lay it down to get back to where I belong. Lord, all I've ever need was your love. ” - Grace Unplugged

27th blog - Moving on...

When it comes to the matters of the heart, I'm no expert... But I have my fair share of heartaches - I suppose, when it comes to failures, disappointments or unmet expectations.

So, I'm writing about moving on because I WANT TO MOVE ON!

Have you ever liked someone (or something) but you know that liking that will not do you any good? For whatever reason there is, you can't stop yourself thinking or obsessing about that someone (or something) you like! You know very well that it's not good for you but you just CAN'T stop yourself. The heart wants what it wants, some would say... 

You know, it's been ages since I've decided on stopping about this confusing feeling. I'm annoyed at myself on how much  I can't seem to get it done. It's like this cycle that I cannot break. I'm so tired of having the same thoughts over and over and over and over again. I'm like a broken record that keeps on playing that annoying dull tone. WHEN WILL IT STOP??? I want to stop. I NEED TO STOP.

I don't like myself like this. I'm not like this. This is not me. I know better. Then why can't I let my logical practical brain win over what my heart's been wanting for ages? I'm not entirely sure of the reason of this confusing attraction. It's below my standards. Having this unreasonable attraction makes me feel like a fool. I think that my IQ has lowered by 20 points! 

Is this the fear talking? Yes, of course. I am scared. Scared at the consequences - which in my mind, are mostly not that good. That's why from the very point that I've admitted my attraction to myself, I immediately want to stop.

I know what's good for me and that's what I will do...

Sorry for the ramblings... I'm still not entirely sure on what to do about moving on... But I'm sure that I really want to move on... I just pray that if this confusing feeling I have is not God's will, then, I need Him to take it away...

"Sometimes, it's very hard to move on, but once you do, you'll realize that it's the best decision you ever made... - Anonymous"

26th blog - Disctractions

What do people do when they don’t want to deal with an issue? They ignore it. They pretend that it doesn’t exist. They squash it deep down their consciousness, burying it down. And if that doesn’t work out, they do things to keep themselves busy. This way, they will not have to or they will avoid thinking about that issue. They use distractions. In which case is not healthy.

I, for one, am guilty about this. What kind of psychology major am I? My excuse for not applying what I’ve learned in my four years of college? I’m only human. I’m bound to choose to make mistakes. Hmm, which is worse, I suppose. It’s not healthy to avoid an issue. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It’s just postponing the agony.

But, I can’t help it!

One of the things that tics my neurosis is uncertainty. I hate what uncertainty gives me: the negative thoughts, the fear of the possibility of a future I don’t like and the knowledge that I can’t and I don’t have the control over everything.

Let’s start with a little background, first. March 31, 2014 is the day that marks the last day of me being a first year med student. Studying medicine is super hard. I should rejoice, right? But I didn’t. Why? Because I’m not confident with my finals on physiology and biochemistry. I’ve regretted the way I reviewed for those very mind-breaking subjects. I’ve blamed myself for not working harder. What’s wrong with me? I wanted to be in med school. I’ve asked for this. But what’s the reason why I haven’t studied harder? Why have I wasted this great opportunity? These thoughts are still haunting me today. I’m blaming my past actions – which is not helping at all. I’m just hurting myself.

That’s why I’ve decided to not think about it until the results of our grades come out. I’ve used distractions. I’ve caught up with my favourite sitcoms and the new movies that have come out last year. But they’re still not working. I’m still thinking about it. Sometimes, I find myself drifting from what I’m watching and thinking about those items in my final exam which I know now I’ve answered incorrectly. I’ve also tried exercising. Most people say it’s good for the body as well as the mind. But I become tired of that. And I’ve even cleaned our house, one afternoon. I’m a lazy person! Something is clearly wrong with me once I start cleaning.

But nope! This neurosis is strong. It’s fighting its way back into my consciousness. So, what’s the best thing to do when distractions are not working? You face the issue. Yes, you deal with it. It’s hard. But it’s the right thing to do. So, you better learn how to do that. And I should, too.

That’s why I’m writing this. It’s my way of dealing with this uncertainty of whether I’ve passed all of my subjects or not. And hopefully, once I publish this I will not obsess about what I’ve done wrong and what I should have done better. All my friends are saying that it’s a given that I’ve passed. But that’s not helping. Their support only makes me feel more pressured. (Gosh! Now, I’m nervous!) 

All I want is peace of mind... and the certainty that I’ve passed all my subjects. May God have mercy on me...

P.S. The night I've published this, a very good news has came to me. I'm sleeping that time. I've been awaken by my classmate and very dear friend. She is calling me but I'm too sleepy so I let it slide. After a few minutes of trying to go back to sleep, I groggily read the messages in my phone. I read the first one. My friend is congratulating me. This message hit me more than a shot of caffeinated drink! I've immediately called her. And right then, she's told me that I've been promoted to 2nd year. I've passed all my subjects! If there's a feeling greater than happiness, that's what I've felt! All the worrying I've done seem so silly now.

"I spent years holding on to regrets and wishing that things would have turned out differently. And once I let that go, things got a lot better." Being Erica

25th blog - Why do You Want to be a Doctor?

So, I've just finished watching the whole nine seasons of Scrubs. It's such a great show for people who are in the medical field, or to those who like medical-themed shows or simply to those who like the good laughter a sit-com brings. :)

I like this show very much because it shows how my life will probably turn out. There's this quote that J.D., the protagonist, has said in one of the episodes when they referred to another medical-themed show, Grey's Anatomy: 

"Ah, yes, I do love that show. It's like they just watch our lives and then put in on television..."

But unlike Grey's, Scrubs doesn't mainly focus on diseases and procedures, it focuses more on the relationships and emotions a doctor goes through in a more frivolous manner. (Though, Grey's Anatomy focus on that too. xD) And I'm the type of person who always bring comedy to life. That's why I instantly became addicted to this show. It's like a fun guide. :)

As I've watched and watched the seasons, I keep thinking how will they make this show even funnier, especially after season 8 (which, I think is the funniest). Then there it is, the ninth season: Scrubs: Med School. This show centers in the life of a medical student. And I'm a med student! Ha! I simply love this show. Do I have to say the obvious reasons why? :D

Moving on, there's this question that strikes to me from one of the episodes: 

"Why do you want to be a doctor?"

A lot of reasons has been cited in that episode, such as:

-make kind of catches that save lives

-give people a chance to live

-help people who can't help themselves

-inspired by a great doctor or a sick relative

-my parents made me

-fondness of scabs

-to make my family proud

-medicine gives second chances

-why the hell not?

-I look super cute in white

Some of the reasons are generic and some are funny. Entertaining. And then, it got me thinking: "Why did I want to be a doctor?" 

Hmm, the main reason why I want to be a doctor is that I'm an achiever. I have this need to accomplish challenging things. It's wired in my DNA. And helping others and the financial advantage of it are just bonuses. But I know I can't say that to the ones who will interview me when I'm applying to different med schools. 

"It's a childhood dream..." I can't say that. When I'm little, I've dreamed of becoming an astronaut. As much as possible, I don't want to lie.

"I want to help humanity..." Nope. Not really, haha! This is true. I don't have the dream of discovering the cure for cancer or solving a medical mystery. But I do like the nice feeling you get from helping someone. Although it's not enough. All people like that nice feeling, whether they admit it or not.

"It's my parents' decision." This is a lie. They're not really supportive at first. It's just because of my stubbornness that they've agreed. I can be pretty stubborn when I want something. :)) 

The decision of becoming a doctor comes from me. So I've done some soul-searching and constructed this:

"I'm always striving to be the best version of myself. The intellectual challenge medicine brings and it's nobility through saving other people's lives as a profession, I believe, are the ways for me to achieve the best version of myself."

What do you think of that? I think it's great! It's short, not dramatic and it's the truth. Lol! I didn't lie. I just put what I've felt into some nice words. And it has worked. :)

"I guess, it's because we all want to believe that what we do is very important. That people hang onto your every word. That they care what you think. The truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if it even occasionally get to make someone, anyone feel a little better." - J.D. , My Finale, Scrubs

24th blog - Helping

Life is so full of problems, right? We go through life with issues and emotional baggages that we keep as anchors, hunting us, making us feel suffering or hurt for the rest of our lives until we refuse to let them go. However, do not fret. Yes, life is full of problems but it’s also filled with what psychologists call as “fixers” or “helpers”. They are the people who are willing to solve other people’s problem. They do self-sacrificing things which is a double-edged sword. With their need to please others, they forget about themselves. They forget the importance of self-worth.

Me? I’m not like that. I’m a very selfish person. Though, some of my closest friends will laugh at this statement. (You have to know that most of my life, I’ve been the go-to-person of many of my friends. Some says that I’m a good listener and I don’t judge. They think of me as this good person. But I like to prove them wrong. I’m a manipulator. I do things to people to get what’s best for me in a way that will make them think they are the ones who benefited. Do you get it? But that’s far from what I want to say.)

Moving on, I have to admit now that I find it tiring to help others. Oh my, I can’t believe I just typed that! Haha! But I suppose it is the truth. Helping others can be tiring sometimes, specifically if they come to you with the same problem over and over again. How tiring can that get? But in the end we do still help anyway, especially if the one involved is someone we deeply care about. I suppose that shows love, too. What a self-sacrificing thing for me to do! :))

But when is helping not a help at all???

Are we doing the right thing by helping others? Yes, helping is a generous noble act. All will agree. But this generous noble act can backfire. Helping can also cause harm to others or worse to yourself. That’s why I don’t like helping. It’s bothersome and you have to hold responsibility of other people’s action especially when they follow the advice you’ve given. LOL, just kidding! That’s just because I’m selfish. HAHA!

Anyway, I’m going to cite an example. I have this close friend who has this on and off relationship with my other friend. This makes it harder for me to help because I have to think of the best situation that both parties will not (or will be less) get hurt. This on and off again relationship is a cycle that, for whatever reason, they cannot break. So this close friend of mine keeps coming to me with the same complaints. I have to listen and understand the same complaints over and over again. And of course, every time, I should be supportive. Please think of the things you will say to your friend to keep his or her relationship going. That’s what I’ve said to her because I still can see that she really loves this guy. I’ve thought that the best thing for her is to continue with this relationship. And I think that I’ve told her in every encouraging possible way.

But recently, I’m not sure if this is the right thing or not, I’ve confronted her because I’m against this unhealthy cyclic relationship.  Though, I both care for them very much, their relationship has to stop. I’ve told her that she can’t keep doing this to her ex/boyfriend. She has to break the cycle. She has to stop this never-ending dynamics of their relationship because the hurt and the confusion will never stop.

After confronting her, this has gotten me thinking if I have done the right thing. There’s a part of me that thinks, maybe, I’m imposing too much. It’s their relationship. It’s their life. They can do everything they want. And what if they’re meant to have that on and off again relationship? That this messy path is the only way to have their happy ending. And I’m the one noser who got in their way of that happy ending! And what do I know about relationships? Not that much. I don’t have a master’s degree in relationships. I haven’t been even in one! (Wait! Now that I think about it, I'm also part of the cycle! Maybe, I have the right to stop this cylcle.lol)

That is scary yet a good thing. To be accountable of other people’s problem. To help when they’re in need. To fix if something is needed to be fixed. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing. But I suppose not at all times. I think that sometimes the best help we can give is listening and the best solution we can provide is nothing. We let them be, no matter how we want them to do the right thing. (I suppose some needs to experience things just to learn.)

She’s not yet breaking the cycle. But I’m done helping. I’m done giving advice. I'm done pinpointing the right thing to do. (Though, I'm not sure if it is the right thing.) Now, the only thing I can give her is support to whatever decision she makes. I have to be ok with her decision even though I don’t like it. I think that is the best way for me to act as her friend.

    

 In our rush to fix, to help, to solve, most of us never pause to wonder if we're doing the right thing. Because after all, how could trying to help someone be wrong? Being Erica

23rd blog - Emotions, Suppression and Nervous Breakdown

Time to write another blog. Though, I have to make this fast. I still got some studying to do. I've decided to write about emotions this time - specifically, pent up feelings.

One of the things I've learned from studying the human psyche is it's not healthy to suppress whatever major emotion you are feeling - be it sorrow, anger, confusion, or love (have to insert that last word there for a positive spin. Though, now that I think about it. Mostly negative feelings are usually the ones being suppressed. I mean, why would one hide his happiness? Is there such a case where one is happy and not express it? Hmm...).

Emotions are very powerful. It trudges beyond our rational minds. We can't control it. We can't hide from it. We can't run from it. No matter how huge our efforts are in hiding it, it always finds a way out and sneaks up on us - making us do irrational things. The longer you hide it, the bigger the way you'll explode when you break down. Whatever we are feeling is something we just have to accept. It's better in the long run. I know it's easy to say but hard to do. But trust me, we have to find an outlet for expressing our emotions.

Let me tell you a personal experience. As you know (or don't know), I'm constantly living in a roller coaster ride - where most of the times, I feel like there are more downs than ups (though that's just how I feel, maybe, when  I think about it, it's not that bad. Maybe, I'm just focusing on the negative side which is so not me. I'm usually a positive person!). Anyway, since I've started studying medicine, my go to defense mechanism is suppression. It's where we consciously bury unwanted information out of our awareness. This usually happens to me after taking our exams. Whenever my classmates and I discuss test questions after an exam, I can't remember some of the questions and  even what I've answered! Wow, my defense mechanism works fast. Somehow, I can't accept that I'm not that great anymore. This hurts my ego, being a narcissist. Haha, just kidding! :))

Now, let me say that this defense mechanism has its limits. In my case, that limit is a missing charger. I've just gotten home from another disappointing day and I've noticed that my phone is dead. But I can't find where my charger is. I've searched every possible place in our house where I've might have put it. But I couldn't find it. I turn to my mother. She becomes defensive saying she doesn't know where my charger is. This adds to my frustration. Because I know that if there's someone inside the house who knows where my charger is, it's her. I try to stay calm. I take a deep breath. That's what I do when I feel frustrated. (I don't know why I keep doing that because when I do that, the frustration I'm feeling multiplies, lol). What I do next is something I find funny now. Gosh, I have a nervous breakdown! I finally cried - not because of the missing charger (why would I cry over something so trivial?) but because of something else - only for a few minutes, though! But finally, tears are running down from my eyes because of the overwhelming feeling I'm experienceing - because I know I can't control what's happening to me anymore. I've finally broken down. That's something I can laugh about now.

After that cry, somehow, I've felt good but a little ridiculous. I don't like crying over my problems. I easily cry over watching sad movies or when reading tragic novels. But I don't usually cry because something bad is happening to me. I feel weak when that happens. And I don't like being weak. However, now that I think about it. Not showing a sign of weakness is being weak. Sometimes, it takes more strength to accept that we got our limitations. We can't do everything perfectly. And we simply have to accept that. 

That's a few months ago. What I do now? Hmm, nothing has drastically changed from my routine. I still suppress my feelings. Hey, old habits die hard. But I try to find the outlet for whatever negative emotions I'm feeling. Like purposely picking a sad novel to read (just so I can shed a tear) or treating myself with chocolates. But mostly, I just like to pray (it takes shorter time than reading novels and cheaper than chocolates. xD).

Before I end this, I like to clarify that there should be balance of expressing and suppressing your emotions. I'm not sure what's the right way to do that but it's something we just have to learn by ourselves.

"The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it..." - Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight

22nd blog - Boredom

It has come to my attention that I've been neglecting my blog. Thanks to a friend who's been greatly impressed by my writing prowess, haha! (Wait, I should stop before my narcissism takes over.) Anyway, so much has happened these past two - almost three months. 

There's so many things I like to write about: 

• my life as a medical student (This is a dream come true. Like I've said, so much has happened. So many ups and downs... But I've been suppressing all my frustrations. So I'm afraid once I start talking about it, then, all my pent up feelings will explode and the rantings on this entry will be never ending, haha, so, I'll save that for another time)
• how I've thought I know so much but it turns out I am very wrong (this realization is credited to my med buddies; they know things which I've never even heard of. WHY? It's like I've been living from another planet!)
• my cat, ecchi (I've been wondering what has happened to him.  I've got this irrational thought that he's not cute anymore because all his fur has been shed. Imagine that! A bald cat! I'm hoping he's still my cute Persian cat.)
• how sad book/movies (other people's experience) and onions make me cry
• mental health and psychopaths (I miss psych!!!)

But what I really like to talk about is how much I miss being bored. I'm not the type who gets easily bored. Because I find delight even in the smallest things and I like being bored (some people find this weird, I don't). One of my principles in life: Embrace boredom. I believe that you'll miss that feeling when you come to the point when you are overwhelmed with the many things you should be doing. So, you might as well enjoy it while it lasts. And I'm right. 

I miss the times when I just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling, do nothing and think about nothing all day. And then, when night comes, I'll just go to sleep; and wake up the next day to simply stare at the ceiling again. HAHA! I think I just explained what it's like be catatonic (See, how much I miss psychology?). But you get my point, right? Do you know the feeling you get because you don't have anything to do. I long for that feeling right now...

However, I think I have to accept the fact that for the rest of my life, I'll never get bored again (unless, maybe, when I'm stuck in a traffic jam? haha). Being busy in medicine is constant. You are often sleep-deprived because you have to maximize your time with the responsibilities you have to do. Sleeping for more than 4 hours (3 hours?) in medicine is a major sin. And you know, a free time is a luxury. And that free time is reserved for sleeping (other med students can relate at this statement). So, when can I find the time to be bored? I'm not sure. Maybe, during sem break or Christmas break or during summer. Or maybe, I'll never get to experience that feeling again. But I'm hoping... I still believe that I'll be bored again! lol

"Doing anything when you're bored is very very boring. Anyway, doing nothing is the point of being bored. The pleasure of being bored is mooning about and doing nothing." - Aidan Chambers, This is All