28th blog - Here's My Confession...

I’ve got a confession to make.

For the past weeks, I’ve been feeling sad… frustrated… depressed… Though I’ve kept it to myself. Because I’m not the type of person who wants to look weak in front of others by whining all my problems or stating about the things I don’t like about my life… Wait… I’ve tried confiding it to my some of my very close friends but they didn’t help… I’m still sad… frustrated… depressed… I’ve even come to the point when I’ve admitted to myself that I don’t like the way my life is going.

I keep asking myself why? I’m living my dream. I get by with my grades. I’m learning so many things. I excel. As I have said, I am living my dream. I should be exhilarated but why am I not happy? Is this just the stress? Is it just the pressure talking? I’ve asked myself so many questions. I’ve thought of so many possible answers. But I still can’t figure it out…

I’ve tried blaming it to other people. And they don’t deserve that. Even though they’ve done things that I think are hurtful, I still don’t have the right to feel this way. It’s my fault that I expected so much from them. Just because I’m willing to do things for them, I still don’t have the right to expect things from them – to expect that they will do the same.

What I’ve done next? I’ve taken my happiness from other people. As much as possible, I don’t want to be alone – alone with these depressing thoughts. For days, I’ve spent studying at my friend’s dormitory and I just go home when I’m sleepy; when I don’t have the energy to think anymore. Or when it’s inevitable to be alone, I divert myself by watching movies or tv series or I just sleep. There are ways for me to avoid these thoughts. But it’s just tiring and I think that it’s making me more depressed. At the end of the day, or most of the time of day, I know that I am sad – that I am unhappy.

But luckily, I’ve come across this movie called Grace Unplugged. God really does work in incredible ways. He’s all I need. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. So, this movie is also about a girl who is living her dream but is unhappy. And in the end of the film, she has realized that all she needs is God’s love. And it hit me! Its impact is so hard that I’m now writing this while crying at this time of night (time check: 1:30 AM)! I know the answer now to why I’ve been depressed all these weeks. It’s because God is not my number one priority anymore. He’s not even my second. Which I know is shameful! So, right now, I’m making a change. Put God at the top of my list. He’s all I need. His love is all I need. I’m really sorry about the way I’ve lived my life these past weeks by focusing more on my studies and some other stuff that I’m too embarrassed to confess here. But now, my mind is clear. I want God. I need God. Even though it’s hard, I’ll try not to make medicine my number one priority. I need to bring the faith back because He’s all I need to be happy.

“I chased a million things: bright lights and empty dreams. Now, here I am right where I thought I wanted to be. But I’ll trade it all right now. Leave it all and lay it down to get back to where I belong. Lord, all I've ever need was your love. ” - Grace Unplugged

27th blog - Moving on...

When it comes to the matters of the heart, I'm no expert... But I have my fair share of heartaches - I suppose, when it comes to failures, disappointments or unmet expectations.

So, I'm writing about moving on because I WANT TO MOVE ON!

Have you ever liked someone (or something) but you know that liking that will not do you any good? For whatever reason there is, you can't stop yourself thinking or obsessing about that someone (or something) you like! You know very well that it's not good for you but you just CAN'T stop yourself. The heart wants what it wants, some would say... 

You know, it's been ages since I've decided on stopping about this confusing feeling. I'm annoyed at myself on how much  I can't seem to get it done. It's like this cycle that I cannot break. I'm so tired of having the same thoughts over and over and over and over again. I'm like a broken record that keeps on playing that annoying dull tone. WHEN WILL IT STOP??? I want to stop. I NEED TO STOP.

I don't like myself like this. I'm not like this. This is not me. I know better. Then why can't I let my logical practical brain win over what my heart's been wanting for ages? I'm not entirely sure of the reason of this confusing attraction. It's below my standards. Having this unreasonable attraction makes me feel like a fool. I think that my IQ has lowered by 20 points! 

Is this the fear talking? Yes, of course. I am scared. Scared at the consequences - which in my mind, are mostly not that good. That's why from the very point that I've admitted my attraction to myself, I immediately want to stop.

I know what's good for me and that's what I will do...

Sorry for the ramblings... I'm still not entirely sure on what to do about moving on... But I'm sure that I really want to move on... I just pray that if this confusing feeling I have is not God's will, then, I need Him to take it away...

"Sometimes, it's very hard to move on, but once you do, you'll realize that it's the best decision you ever made... - Anonymous"

26th blog - Disctractions

What do people do when they don’t want to deal with an issue? They ignore it. They pretend that it doesn’t exist. They squash it deep down their consciousness, burying it down. And if that doesn’t work out, they do things to keep themselves busy. This way, they will not have to or they will avoid thinking about that issue. They use distractions. In which case is not healthy.

I, for one, am guilty about this. What kind of psychology major am I? My excuse for not applying what I’ve learned in my four years of college? I’m only human. I’m bound to choose to make mistakes. Hmm, which is worse, I suppose. It’s not healthy to avoid an issue. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It’s just postponing the agony.

But, I can’t help it!

One of the things that tics my neurosis is uncertainty. I hate what uncertainty gives me: the negative thoughts, the fear of the possibility of a future I don’t like and the knowledge that I can’t and I don’t have the control over everything.

Let’s start with a little background, first. March 31, 2014 is the day that marks the last day of me being a first year med student. Studying medicine is super hard. I should rejoice, right? But I didn’t. Why? Because I’m not confident with my finals on physiology and biochemistry. I’ve regretted the way I reviewed for those very mind-breaking subjects. I’ve blamed myself for not working harder. What’s wrong with me? I wanted to be in med school. I’ve asked for this. But what’s the reason why I haven’t studied harder? Why have I wasted this great opportunity? These thoughts are still haunting me today. I’m blaming my past actions – which is not helping at all. I’m just hurting myself.

That’s why I’ve decided to not think about it until the results of our grades come out. I’ve used distractions. I’ve caught up with my favourite sitcoms and the new movies that have come out last year. But they’re still not working. I’m still thinking about it. Sometimes, I find myself drifting from what I’m watching and thinking about those items in my final exam which I know now I’ve answered incorrectly. I’ve also tried exercising. Most people say it’s good for the body as well as the mind. But I become tired of that. And I’ve even cleaned our house, one afternoon. I’m a lazy person! Something is clearly wrong with me once I start cleaning.

But nope! This neurosis is strong. It’s fighting its way back into my consciousness. So, what’s the best thing to do when distractions are not working? You face the issue. Yes, you deal with it. It’s hard. But it’s the right thing to do. So, you better learn how to do that. And I should, too.

That’s why I’m writing this. It’s my way of dealing with this uncertainty of whether I’ve passed all of my subjects or not. And hopefully, once I publish this I will not obsess about what I’ve done wrong and what I should have done better. All my friends are saying that it’s a given that I’ve passed. But that’s not helping. Their support only makes me feel more pressured. (Gosh! Now, I’m nervous!) 

All I want is peace of mind... and the certainty that I’ve passed all my subjects. May God have mercy on me...

P.S. The night I've published this, a very good news has came to me. I'm sleeping that time. I've been awaken by my classmate and very dear friend. She is calling me but I'm too sleepy so I let it slide. After a few minutes of trying to go back to sleep, I groggily read the messages in my phone. I read the first one. My friend is congratulating me. This message hit me more than a shot of caffeinated drink! I've immediately called her. And right then, she's told me that I've been promoted to 2nd year. I've passed all my subjects! If there's a feeling greater than happiness, that's what I've felt! All the worrying I've done seem so silly now.

"I spent years holding on to regrets and wishing that things would have turned out differently. And once I let that go, things got a lot better." Being Erica