I’ve got a confession to make.
For the past weeks, I’ve been
feeling sad… frustrated… depressed… Though I’ve kept it to myself. Because I’m
not the type of person who wants to look weak in front of others by whining all
my problems or stating about the things I don’t like about my life… Wait… I’ve
tried confiding it to my some of my very close friends but they didn’t help…
I’m still sad… frustrated… depressed… I’ve even come to the point when I’ve
admitted to myself that I don’t like the way my life is going.
I keep asking myself why? I’m
living my dream. I get by with my grades. I’m learning so many things. I excel.
As I have said, I am living my dream. I should be exhilarated but why am I not
happy? Is this just the stress? Is it just the pressure talking? I’ve asked
myself so many questions. I’ve thought of so many possible answers. But I still
can’t figure it out…
I’ve tried blaming it to other
people. And they don’t deserve that. Even though they’ve done things that I
think are hurtful, I still don’t have the right to feel this way. It’s my fault
that I expected so much from them. Just because I’m willing to do things for
them, I still don’t have the right to expect things from them – to expect that
they will do the same.
What I’ve done next? I’ve taken
my happiness from other people. As much as possible, I don’t want to be alone –
alone with these depressing thoughts. For days, I’ve spent studying at my
friend’s dormitory and I just go home when I’m sleepy; when I don’t have the
energy to think anymore. Or when it’s inevitable to be alone, I divert myself
by watching movies or tv series or I just sleep. There are ways for me to avoid
these thoughts. But it’s just tiring and I think that it’s making me more
depressed. At the end of the day, or most of the time of day, I know that I am
sad – that I am unhappy.
But luckily, I’ve come across
this movie called Grace Unplugged. God really does work in incredible ways.
He’s all I need. Wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. So, this movie is also
about a girl who is living her dream but is unhappy. And in the end of the
film, she has realized that all she needs is God’s love. And it hit me! Its
impact is so hard that I’m now writing this while crying at this time of night
(time check: 1:30 AM)! I know the answer now to why I’ve been depressed all
these weeks. It’s because God is not my number one priority anymore. He’s not
even my second. Which I know is shameful! So, right now, I’m making a change.
Put God at the top of my list. He’s all I need. His love is all I need. I’m
really sorry about the way I’ve lived my life these past weeks by focusing more
on my studies and some other stuff that I’m too embarrassed to confess here.
But now, my mind is clear. I want God. I need God. Even though it’s hard, I’ll
try not to make medicine my number one priority. I need to bring the faith back
because He’s all I need to be happy.
“I chased a million things:
bright lights and empty dreams. Now, here I am right where I thought I wanted
to be. But I’ll trade it all right now. Leave it all and lay it down to get
back to where I belong. Lord, all I've ever need was your love. ” - Grace Unplugged
