24th blog - Helping

Life is so full of problems, right? We go through life with issues and emotional baggages that we keep as anchors, hunting us, making us feel suffering or hurt for the rest of our lives until we refuse to let them go. However, do not fret. Yes, life is full of problems but it’s also filled with what psychologists call as “fixers” or “helpers”. They are the people who are willing to solve other people’s problem. They do self-sacrificing things which is a double-edged sword. With their need to please others, they forget about themselves. They forget the importance of self-worth.

Me? I’m not like that. I’m a very selfish person. Though, some of my closest friends will laugh at this statement. (You have to know that most of my life, I’ve been the go-to-person of many of my friends. Some says that I’m a good listener and I don’t judge. They think of me as this good person. But I like to prove them wrong. I’m a manipulator. I do things to people to get what’s best for me in a way that will make them think they are the ones who benefited. Do you get it? But that’s far from what I want to say.)

Moving on, I have to admit now that I find it tiring to help others. Oh my, I can’t believe I just typed that! Haha! But I suppose it is the truth. Helping others can be tiring sometimes, specifically if they come to you with the same problem over and over again. How tiring can that get? But in the end we do still help anyway, especially if the one involved is someone we deeply care about. I suppose that shows love, too. What a self-sacrificing thing for me to do! :))

But when is helping not a help at all???

Are we doing the right thing by helping others? Yes, helping is a generous noble act. All will agree. But this generous noble act can backfire. Helping can also cause harm to others or worse to yourself. That’s why I don’t like helping. It’s bothersome and you have to hold responsibility of other people’s action especially when they follow the advice you’ve given. LOL, just kidding! That’s just because I’m selfish. HAHA!

Anyway, I’m going to cite an example. I have this close friend who has this on and off relationship with my other friend. This makes it harder for me to help because I have to think of the best situation that both parties will not (or will be less) get hurt. This on and off again relationship is a cycle that, for whatever reason, they cannot break. So this close friend of mine keeps coming to me with the same complaints. I have to listen and understand the same complaints over and over again. And of course, every time, I should be supportive. Please think of the things you will say to your friend to keep his or her relationship going. That’s what I’ve said to her because I still can see that she really loves this guy. I’ve thought that the best thing for her is to continue with this relationship. And I think that I’ve told her in every encouraging possible way.

But recently, I’m not sure if this is the right thing or not, I’ve confronted her because I’m against this unhealthy cyclic relationship.  Though, I both care for them very much, their relationship has to stop. I’ve told her that she can’t keep doing this to her ex/boyfriend. She has to break the cycle. She has to stop this never-ending dynamics of their relationship because the hurt and the confusion will never stop.

After confronting her, this has gotten me thinking if I have done the right thing. There’s a part of me that thinks, maybe, I’m imposing too much. It’s their relationship. It’s their life. They can do everything they want. And what if they’re meant to have that on and off again relationship? That this messy path is the only way to have their happy ending. And I’m the one noser who got in their way of that happy ending! And what do I know about relationships? Not that much. I don’t have a master’s degree in relationships. I haven’t been even in one! (Wait! Now that I think about it, I'm also part of the cycle! Maybe, I have the right to stop this cylcle.lol)

That is scary yet a good thing. To be accountable of other people’s problem. To help when they’re in need. To fix if something is needed to be fixed. Even if you don’t know what you’re doing. But I suppose not at all times. I think that sometimes the best help we can give is listening and the best solution we can provide is nothing. We let them be, no matter how we want them to do the right thing. (I suppose some needs to experience things just to learn.)

She’s not yet breaking the cycle. But I’m done helping. I’m done giving advice. I'm done pinpointing the right thing to do. (Though, I'm not sure if it is the right thing.) Now, the only thing I can give her is support to whatever decision she makes. I have to be ok with her decision even though I don’t like it. I think that is the best way for me to act as her friend.

    

 In our rush to fix, to help, to solve, most of us never pause to wonder if we're doing the right thing. Because after all, how could trying to help someone be wrong? Being Erica