26th blog - Disctractions

What do people do when they don’t want to deal with an issue? They ignore it. They pretend that it doesn’t exist. They squash it deep down their consciousness, burying it down. And if that doesn’t work out, they do things to keep themselves busy. This way, they will not have to or they will avoid thinking about that issue. They use distractions. In which case is not healthy.

I, for one, am guilty about this. What kind of psychology major am I? My excuse for not applying what I’ve learned in my four years of college? I’m only human. I’m bound to choose to make mistakes. Hmm, which is worse, I suppose. It’s not healthy to avoid an issue. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. It’s just postponing the agony.

But, I can’t help it!

One of the things that tics my neurosis is uncertainty. I hate what uncertainty gives me: the negative thoughts, the fear of the possibility of a future I don’t like and the knowledge that I can’t and I don’t have the control over everything.

Let’s start with a little background, first. March 31, 2014 is the day that marks the last day of me being a first year med student. Studying medicine is super hard. I should rejoice, right? But I didn’t. Why? Because I’m not confident with my finals on physiology and biochemistry. I’ve regretted the way I reviewed for those very mind-breaking subjects. I’ve blamed myself for not working harder. What’s wrong with me? I wanted to be in med school. I’ve asked for this. But what’s the reason why I haven’t studied harder? Why have I wasted this great opportunity? These thoughts are still haunting me today. I’m blaming my past actions – which is not helping at all. I’m just hurting myself.

That’s why I’ve decided to not think about it until the results of our grades come out. I’ve used distractions. I’ve caught up with my favourite sitcoms and the new movies that have come out last year. But they’re still not working. I’m still thinking about it. Sometimes, I find myself drifting from what I’m watching and thinking about those items in my final exam which I know now I’ve answered incorrectly. I’ve also tried exercising. Most people say it’s good for the body as well as the mind. But I become tired of that. And I’ve even cleaned our house, one afternoon. I’m a lazy person! Something is clearly wrong with me once I start cleaning.

But nope! This neurosis is strong. It’s fighting its way back into my consciousness. So, what’s the best thing to do when distractions are not working? You face the issue. Yes, you deal with it. It’s hard. But it’s the right thing to do. So, you better learn how to do that. And I should, too.

That’s why I’m writing this. It’s my way of dealing with this uncertainty of whether I’ve passed all of my subjects or not. And hopefully, once I publish this I will not obsess about what I’ve done wrong and what I should have done better. All my friends are saying that it’s a given that I’ve passed. But that’s not helping. Their support only makes me feel more pressured. (Gosh! Now, I’m nervous!) 

All I want is peace of mind... and the certainty that I’ve passed all my subjects. May God have mercy on me...

P.S. The night I've published this, a very good news has came to me. I'm sleeping that time. I've been awaken by my classmate and very dear friend. She is calling me but I'm too sleepy so I let it slide. After a few minutes of trying to go back to sleep, I groggily read the messages in my phone. I read the first one. My friend is congratulating me. This message hit me more than a shot of caffeinated drink! I've immediately called her. And right then, she's told me that I've been promoted to 2nd year. I've passed all my subjects! If there's a feeling greater than happiness, that's what I've felt! All the worrying I've done seem so silly now.

"I spent years holding on to regrets and wishing that things would have turned out differently. And once I let that go, things got a lot better." Being Erica