Time to write another blog. Though, I have to make this fast. I still got some studying to do. I've decided to write about emotions this time - specifically, pent up feelings.
One of the things I've learned from studying the human psyche is it's not healthy to suppress whatever major emotion you are feeling - be it sorrow, anger, confusion, or love (have to insert that last word there for a positive spin. Though, now that I think about it. Mostly negative feelings are usually the ones being suppressed. I mean, why would one hide his happiness? Is there such a case where one is happy and not express it? Hmm...).
Emotions are very powerful. It trudges beyond our rational minds. We can't control it. We can't hide from it. We can't run from it. No matter how huge our efforts are in hiding it, it always finds a way out and sneaks up on us - making us do irrational things. The longer you hide it, the bigger the way you'll explode when you break down. Whatever we are feeling is something we just have to accept. It's better in the long run. I know it's easy to say but hard to do. But trust me, we have to find an outlet for expressing our emotions.
Let me tell you a personal experience. As you know (or don't know), I'm constantly living in a roller coaster ride - where most of the times, I feel like there are more downs than ups (though that's just how I feel, maybe, when I think about it, it's not that bad. Maybe, I'm just focusing on the negative side which is so not me. I'm usually a positive person!). Anyway, since I've started studying medicine, my go to defense mechanism is suppression. It's where we consciously bury unwanted information out of our awareness. This usually happens to me after taking our exams. Whenever my classmates and I discuss test questions after an exam, I can't remember some of the questions and even what I've answered! Wow, my defense mechanism works fast. Somehow, I can't accept that I'm not that great anymore. This hurts my ego, being a narcissist. Haha, just kidding! :))
Now, let me say that this defense mechanism has its limits. In my case, that limit is a missing charger. I've just gotten home from another disappointing day and I've noticed that my phone is dead. But I can't find where my charger is. I've searched every possible place in our house where I've might have put it. But I couldn't find it. I turn to my mother. She becomes defensive saying she doesn't know where my charger is. This adds to my frustration. Because I know that if there's someone inside the house who knows where my charger is, it's her. I try to stay calm. I take a deep breath. That's what I do when I feel frustrated. (I don't know why I keep doing that because when I do that, the frustration I'm feeling multiplies, lol). What I do next is something I find funny now. Gosh, I have a nervous breakdown! I finally cried - not because of the missing charger (why would I cry over something so trivial?) but because of something else - only for a few minutes, though! But finally, tears are running down from my eyes because of the overwhelming feeling I'm experienceing - because I know I can't control what's happening to me anymore. I've finally broken down. That's something I can laugh about now.
After that cry, somehow, I've felt good but a little ridiculous. I don't like crying over my problems. I easily cry over watching sad movies or when reading tragic novels. But I don't usually cry because something bad is happening to me. I feel weak when that happens. And I don't like being weak. However, now that I think about it. Not showing a sign of weakness is being weak. Sometimes, it takes more strength to accept that we got our limitations. We can't do everything perfectly. And we simply have to accept that.
That's a few months ago. What I do now? Hmm, nothing has drastically changed from my routine. I still suppress my feelings. Hey, old habits die hard. But I try to find the outlet for whatever negative emotions I'm feeling. Like purposely picking a sad novel to read (just so I can shed a tear) or treating myself with chocolates. But mostly, I just like to pray (it takes shorter time than reading novels and cheaper than chocolates. xD).
Before I end this, I like to clarify that there should be balance of expressing and suppressing your emotions. I'm not sure what's the right way to do that but it's something we just have to learn by ourselves.
"The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it..." - Nicholas Sparks, At First Sight
